One of our students at the GoodLion School of Discipleship recently asked this honest and vulnerable question: “I’ve been really struggling with loving people and being gracious with them. How can I actually do what Jesus says when I just don’t feel it?”
It’s the kind of question we’ve all faced, whether we say it out loud or not.
Some days, love feels like breathing — effortless, natural, life-giving. But other days? Love feels more like lifting a boulder uphill.
You’re pushing and straining, and every ounce of energy you give seems to vanish before it reaches the top. Loving people, especially when they’re difficult, frustrating, or — let’s face it — exhausting, can feel impossible. And yet, this is exactly what we’re called to do.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, “Christian love draws no distinction between one enemy and another, except that the more bitter our enemy’s hatred, the greater the love that must be shown him.” Ouch.
This isn’t soft or sentimental love; it’s costly, fierce, and demands everything from us. It’s the kind of love Jesus embodied as He hung on the cross, looking at those who mocked Him, and said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).
So what do we do when loving people feels impossible? How do we muster grace for those who rub us the wrong way, or worse, have wounded us? Here are five ways to keep loving when you just don’t have it in you.
- Remember How Deeply You Are Loved
Before we can even begin to love others, we need to be grounded in the love we’ve received. 1 John 4:19 says, “We love because He first loved us.” Let that sink in. Our love isn’t self-manufactured. It flows from the immeasurable love God pours into us. You’ve been loved at your worst, at your most unlovable. When you can’t find grace for others, start by remembering the grace lavished on you. God’s love for you isn’t stingy, and neither should yours be for others.
2. Pray for the Person You’re Struggling With
It’s hard to hate someone you’re genuinely praying for. It’s as if prayer unlocks some mysterious door in the heart that bitterness just can’t stick to. Jesus knew this. That’s why He told us, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). When you pray for someone who annoys you, offends you, or even hurts you, it’s like you’re handing God your resentment and saying, “Help me see them as You do.” Over time, He will soften your heart and reshape your perspective.
3. Set Boundaries, Not Walls
Let’s be clear — loving people doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. Jesus was full of grace, but He also walked away from toxic situations and called out wrongdoing. Boundaries protect your heart and allow love to flourish in healthy ways. They’re not walls designed to keep people out permanently but fences that create safe space for grace to work. Boundaries actually help you love better by ensuring you’re not loving from a place of resentment or burnout.
4. Practice Small Acts of Grace
Sometimes, grand gestures of love feel like too much, especially when you’re struggling just to be civil. But love often grows in small, unnoticed acts. Maybe it’s a kind word instead of a sarcastic one. Maybe it’s letting a snide comment slide without retaliation. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” These little moments of grace build up, like drops of water filling a cup. Over time, they soften your heart toward the other person and foster a spirit of forgiveness.
5. Ask God for Help (Seriously)
If loving people was natural, Jesus wouldn’t have made such a big deal about it. The fact that it’s hard is precisely why we need divine help. On our own, we’re like Peter walking on water — we sink the moment we take our eyes off Christ. But Jesus didn’t call us to love by ourselves. Galatians 5:22 tells us that love is a fruit of the Spirit, not a fruit of our own striving. We need the Holy Spirit to breathe His love into us. So when you feel your patience running dry and your heart hardening, stop and ask God for a supernatural infusion of His grace. He is more than able to fill you with love when you have none.
Closing Thought: The Cross is Our Blueprint
At the end of the day, the cross is our ultimate guide to loving when it’s hard. It wasn’t easy for Jesus to endure betrayal, mockery, and the weight of the world’s sin. But He loved through it all, for “God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).
Loving people, especially when they don’t deserve it, is one of the most Christlike things we can do.
So take heart, ask for strength, and lean into the Holy Spirit. You don’t have to muster up the love all on your own — it flows from the One who loved you first.
5 Ways to Love People When You Don’t Feel Like It was originally published in GoodLion Theology on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
