Lessons I’ve learned the hard way over 14 years as a husband in ministry.
We’ve all heard the line:
Your wife is your first ministry.
And I believed that. I really did.
But living it out? That’s a whole other story.
Because the reality is, ministry doesn’t slow down. There’s always another meeting, another sermon, another email, another crisis. And slowly, without even realizing it, I found myself pouring all my energy into everyone but my wife.
My wife has consistently been my best friend and my partner, both in life and in ministry. She’s a gem. A Gift. She’s been faithful to serve God together with me as we walk through life.
And yet, I realized along the journey there were some areas I needed to grow as a husband and minister.
Here are ten things I’ve learned through some personal failures, wake-up calls, and God’s grace in showing me what it really looks like to care for her the way Jesus intended.
1. Your wife really is your first ministry.
I know, I know — this is the one we hear the most. But here’s the thing: I’ve seen too many pastors (including myself at times) let this truth fade into the background of real life.
I had to learn that it’s not enough to say it. It has to be lived out.
Not just in theory. In practice.
Remember the vow you made to love, honor, and cherish her? That doesn’t get shelved because of the “higher call” of ministry.
There’s always another call to make or meeting to take, but my wife — she’s my covenant partner.
She deserves my best.
Not what’s left over after I’ve given everything to the church.
2. Her spiritual health is your responsibility, too.
I used to think, She’s got her own relationship with God, right? And while that’s true, I realized that I wasn’t checking in with her like I should’ve been.
I was so focused on other people’s spiritual needs, I’d forget to ask how she was doing. How’s her prayer life? What’s God teaching her? Where’s she struggling? I wasn’t leading her well.
Now, I try to ask more. I try to pray for her more. I try to initiate conversations about what God’s doing in our lives.
I don’t just assume she’s “okay.”
I ask.
Just like you check in with your congregation, you need to check in with her. Ask her about her walk with God. Pray with her, not just for her. Lead her spiritually, but also follow her where she’s growing and where God is speaking to her.
3. Ministry can be isolating for her — don’t let her walk that road alone.
Ministry has a way of isolating you both from authentic community.
Everyone’s looking at you as the leader, the example. But your wife needs friends. She needs women in her life who know her outside of her role as “the pastor’s wife.”
For my wife, I didn’t realize how lonely ministry was for her until one night when she just broke down and told me.
While I was surrounded by people all the time, she felt like she had very few people in her life.
Sure, she had church relationships, but often those relationships were based on her serving others, and not anyone pouring into her!
She needed real, life-giving community outside the fishbowl of ministry.
Now, I’m intentional about making sure she’s plugged into relationships that feed her soul. And I’m learning to walk alongside her through the weight she carries that I never even saw before.
Help her get connected. Encourage her to be part of a small group, to make time for life-giving friendships. She needs it. And she needs you to see that.
4. Protect your time with her.
I used to think that because I was “doing God’s work,” I would be a master of making good use of my time. But the reality is, because I’m human, I often failed at this.
There were nights where I was physically home but mentally checked out.
Too tired or distracted to be present with her.
She didn’t need more of me “someday when things slow down.”
She needed me right now. I had to learn how to guard my time with her.
To say no to certain things so I could say yes to her.
God can use someone else to step into various needs in your local church.
He can only use you to step into the needs in your marraige.
Don’t be afraid to step back a bit when her soul needs tending.
That’s not failure. That’s faithfulness.
5. Guard her from unrealistic expectations.
People will have opinions about what she should or shouldn’t be doing as your wife. But here’s the truth: she’s not married to “the ministry.”
She’s married to you.
Personally, I didn’t realize how much pressure my wife was under.
People had these unspoken expectations of what she should be like, what she should do, how she should behave. And I didn’t do enough to protect her from that.
I thought she’d just figure it out. But over time, I realized how much it was wearing her down.
Now, we talk openly about what others expect, and I remind her that she’s not there to fulfill anyone’s mold.
She’s free to be exactly who God created her to be.
Protect her from the weight of others’ expectations. Remind her (and yourself) that her value isn’t in how she “performs” as a pastor’s wife, but in who she is in Christ.
6. Lead her spiritually, but don’t play the role of her pastor.
I was guilty of this for a while, especially when we first got married.
I’d slip into “pastor mode” at home, trying to fix things or give advice when all she wanted was a husband.
She needed me to walk with her, not talk at her.
I’ve learned to lead her spiritually by being vulnerable, praying with her, and living out my faith in front of her — not by pretending I have it all together.
7. Guard your home from the noise of ministry.
There were times when I let ministry spill over into every aspect of our life.
Even at home, I was constantly on my phone, thinking about church stuff, talking about the latest issues, letting my mind race with all the things I needed to do.
But our home is supposed to be a refuge. A safe place for her and for me.
Of course sometimes there are emergencies and exceptions… but they should be the exception, not the rule.
I had to learn to set boundaries, to turn off work mode, and just be present in the space we share!
8. Celebrate her calling, too.
For a long time, I was so focused on my own ministry that I forgot something really important: my wife has her own unique calling, too!
She’s always been by my side in ministry — showing up to youth events, helping me prep sermons, leading small groups, and attending every service.
For a season, she even took on the role of my administrative assistant so I could focus on caring for the students and volunteers.
I was grateful, but if I’m honest, I didn’t always stop to consider that her calling wasn’t just about supporting mine!
Looking back, I wish I had spent more time helping her explore the ways God had uniquely called and equipped her, instead of simply appreciating how she supported me.
My wife is one of the most generous people I know. She has this incredible gift for caring for others. Her ministry is often found in the kitchen.
She spends hours — hours — making the most incredible meals for people who are sick, going through a crisis, or just need a little encouragement. She’ll buy the best ingredients, carefully select each one, and then spend the whole day making something that not only nourishes the body, but also shows people they are seen and loved… all while also wrangling a very energetic 2 year old (no small feat.)
Often those she serves have said her meals are some of the best they’ve ever had — like, “better than restaurant-quality” amazing.
But it’s not just the food.
It’s the thoughtfulness she pours into every detail.
She writes these beautiful, heartfelt cards. Each one is personal, filled with her prayers and encouragement. She sends care packages with items that have real meaning, real sentimental value. Gifts that show she’s been paying attention to their lives and what would truly bless them.
People often tell me those meals, those packages — they were some of the sweetest gifts they’ve ever received. Not just because of what was inside, but because of the love behind them.
But that’s just one piece of her ministry.
In this season, she’s also pouring herself into other kingdom works that are equally important — like tending to deep friendships with other women in our church, walking with them through the highs and lows of life, praying for them, speaking truth into their struggles, and just being there in the mess and beauty of real, raw relationships. That’s ministry in its purest form — discipleship in everyday life.
And then, there’s our son.
Her role as a mom is perhaps the most important ministry she has right now. She’s pouring her heart and soul into raising him, teaching him about Jesus, showing him love, and creating a home where he can thrive.
This is no small thing. It’s kingdom work, every bit of it.
I’ve come to realize that God’s call on her life isn’t secondary to mine.
Her ministry, in the community, in her friendships, and especially in raising our son, is all a vital part of what God’s doing in the world.
And I’ve had to learn to champion her in that. To encourage her, to celebrate the gifts God has placed in her, and to make space for her to grow in each of these callings.
Her ministry is real, and it’s powerful. And I am so incredibly proud of her.
Your wife isn’t just an accessory to your ministry. She has a unique calling of her own, and your job is to help her live that out. Be her biggest fan. Her loudest cheerleader. And watch how God works in both of your lives.
9. Check in on the weight she carries from your ministry.
Often, I didn’t realize how much of my ministry’s burdens were spilling over onto her!
She felt the pressure, too.
The long hours, the difficult people, the crises.
She was carrying it in ways I didn’t see at first.
I had to learn to check in with her regularly and ask, How are you handling all of this?
It’s not just my job. She’s affected by it, too. And I need to be there for her in that.
10. Pray for her — and with her — often.
This is one I am very much still growing in. To my shame, I’ve always had a hard time stopping the flurry of activiy to pray.
Yet, prayer together has been one of the most impactful things I’ve learned.
There’s something powerful about intentionally praying for your wife.
Not just in passing, but really lifting her up before God. And then taking the time to pray with her, to join together in seeking God’s presence in your marriage.
I try to keep a little note on my phone full of things I know my wife is struggling with so I can pray for her more.
It’s a small practice that keeps me grounded in the fact that caring for her soul is a part of my responsibility, and I’m learning to rely on God for the wisdom and grace to love her well.
Remember, your prayers aren’t just for her. They’re for you, too. Because as you pray, God will soften your heart and keep you mindful of the incredible gift you’ve been given in your wife.
These lessons haven’t come easily. And I’m still learning.
But if I could go back and tell my younger self one thing, it’d be this:
Don’t let ministry become the thing that distracts you from your wife’s soul.
She’s not just your partner in the work.
She’s your first responsibility.
Your most important ministry.
Honoring her honors Jesus, and that should matter to us.
Leading in Love: 10 Ways to Prioritize Your Wife While Serving in Ministry was originally published in GoodLion Theology on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
